i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
