I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I checked into jail on foursquare
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
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Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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