as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
