We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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