Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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