You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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