I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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