BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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