So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
