i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Randomize
