My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
operation have a gay friend backfired
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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