He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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