I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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