Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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