well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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