just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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