is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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