Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
