but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
