The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
