Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
