Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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