my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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