I wish they made helmets for livers.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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