For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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