Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
