spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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