How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
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How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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