my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
4 words: hood of his car
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
