I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
