you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
