I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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