I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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