Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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