You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
