My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
