I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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