I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
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Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
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I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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