I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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