He is an equal opportunity slut.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
