true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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