I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
