You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
