At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
