I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
