My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
