i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
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What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
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I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.