He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
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I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
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I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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