We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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