So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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