peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
