I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
