I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
