She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
