I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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