i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
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he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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