I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
