I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
