Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
