i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
